How to 'Not' Make Wine

Sometimes, you put in the work and don’t bear the fruit of your labor—in my case, grapes.

In the summer of 2024, I was living my best life in sunny New Zealand when I decided I wanted to become a winemaker. I even made a PowerPoint presentation to convince the family. (More on that disaster another time.)

It all really started with Blakey, a family friend with a talent for getting people into the best kind of trouble. When I told Blakey about my newfound passion for winemaking, he had a brilliant idea: "Let’s borrow some grapes." By "borrow," I mean we went to a vineyard and harvested bird-pecked grapes (and maybe a few not-so-pecked ones) that weren’t going to be used for God’s nectar anyway. Legally? Questionable. Fun? Absolutely.

So there we were, with about 20 crates of Syrah and Merlot—two grape varieties that no sane winemaker would mix. But did that stop us? Nope. Full of 80% confidence (and 0% expertise), we got to work.

Mistake #1: "Stomp First, Think Later"

We kicked off our winemaking adventure literally—by stomping on the grapes with our bare feet. Should we have destemmed them first? Probably. Did we? Absolutely not. This, we later learned, gave our wine an extra herbaceous kick.

Mistake #2: "Fermentation? Who Needs a Plan?"

After stomping, we dumped our glorious, chunky juice into two 60-liter containers, feeling like proud new parents. We drove them to home, where we diligently monitored the temperature, punched down the grape skins daily, and waited for fermentation to start. It didn’t. Turns out, grapes don’t just ferment because you really want them to.

But hey, no problem! We had a winemaker friend who "donated" some yeast to the cause. With yeast finally in the mix, fermentation kicked off, CO₂ started bubbling, and soon, we had… well, something vaguely resembling wine.

Mistake #3: "This Smells Like Potential (and a Bit of Vinegar)"

After fermentation, we pressed the juice through cheesecloths, straining out the skins, seeds, and most of our dignity. Our driveway may never be the same, but we were feeling good. That is, until we realized we needed to stop the wine from turning into vinegar. That's were the beginning of the end started...with sulfur tablets—a crucial ingredient for stabilizing wine.

We were instructed to add one small tablet.

Mistake #4: "JC Math"

Since we weren’t home, we entrusted this delicate step to my lovely mother-in-law, JC. Bless her heart, she took her job very seriously. Instead of adding one sulfur tablet, she added… well, let’s just say she went full send. When we returned, our hopeful baby wine had transformed into something that smelled like regret and tasted like disappointment. It was undrinkable. Completely ruined. A crime against both grapes and human taste buds.

And that, my friends, was the tragic end of my winemaking career.

What We Did Wrong (So You Don’t Have To)

1. We didn’t destem the grapes – This made the wine extra bitter. Rookie move.

2. We assumed fermentation would "just happen" – Turns out, science is involved. Who knew?

3. We didn’t control oxygen exposure properly – Wine likes a little oxygen, not a full-blown oxygen buffet.

4. We over-sulfured it to death – If one tablet is good, twenty are not better.

What We Should Have Done

• Destemmed the grapes first to avoid bitterness.

• Used the right yeast from the start instead of waiting for nature to do the work.

• Controlled fermentation temperature like real winemakers do.

• Measured sulfur properly (aka, not guess and hope for the best).

So, if you’re here to learn how to not make wine, you’ve come to the right place. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn from my disasters and actually succeed. Either way, pour yourself a glass—trust me, you’ll need it.